The Five Stages

I'm a beer man--sure, I'll engage in the occasional Thunderbird (two parts rum, two parts awesome, add ice) but a cold beer will go with anything, as far as I'm concerned. Mainly, you can control your intake better with beer (unless you get into that 9% Dogfish stuff, in which case you have to stick by the same cautious rules you have for hard liquor). When's the last time you said "whoa, the bartender sure pours a strong beer!"? That's right, never.

There are of course several levels of beer-fueled glory, easily recognizable during the various stages of drinkage:

1) Early Stage. You're still capable of driving safely, though it's still not recommended because the zero-tolerance laws that have turned our nation's highways into non-freedom zones mean that any random stop can result in you getting a DUI and pamphlets, pamphlets, pamphlets from MADD.

2) Medium Rare Stage. Here, you definitely can't drive safely--you're feeling fine and cherry wine, as the kids used to say, and everything you say sounds hilarious (to you anyway, as well as to anyone else in Medium Rare Stage), you're also extremely charming and hey, why aren't you always drinking this much? Rock on, dude!

3) Medium Stage. Here is where you often are when you're drinking to celebrate or to mourn. Okay, now you're starting to feel it, and damn if your friends don't also sound hilarious what with their recounting of that time they rode on the hood of a car because that's what they do in Bangor. Ha ha, that's so Bangor! Bangor Rock City, dudes! You also start to realize that despite taking on several quarts of liquid, you have not hit the bathroom yet so maybe now would be a good time to do that.

4) Alice Cooper Stage. Now you're really feeling it, and you can almost sense the booze floating through your blood vessels. Guess work isn't going to be much fun in the morning! Maybe some water would be a good idea now, but this idea never gets off the planning phase, it's the execution that would make the difference now. But there's still a bit more left in the pitcher, and what sort of Hitler would waste beer? You're not Hitler, man! Finish it! At this point you are also open to all sorts of suggestions.

5) The Even Alice Cooper Would Have Taken Your Keys Stage. Now you can barely stand up, trips to the bathroom are very frequent and it seems that even when you're coming out of the bathroom you feel like you will have to go again in about thirty seconds. This is not cool! It's also the time you think it would have been a good idea for the bar to have cots so you could just nap for a bit. And tomorrow will be the reckoning.

All told, you'll want to stay in the first or second stage--and the third stage only when you just got a promotion, or lost a job, and have an intention of getting "a bit silly". But even seasoned veterans of the W.O.S. (War On Sobriety) find themselves easily skipping into the higher stages. Why is this? If feeling fine and cherry wine, why would we want to put outselves into a situation where the head is spinning and the regrets will be deep? Simple--the lag time effect.

Lag Time Effect. Obviously, when you drink three beers, you don't feel the effects of the drinks immediately--it takes some time to feel it. When you're in Medium Rare Stage, you're feeling great and hey, why not have another so we can keep feeling great? After all, if we learned nothing else in health class (and the things you did in Cancun sort of prove that you learned nothing else in health class) it's that your body is fighting off the effects of the alcohol immediately so you'll need more beer to keep that feeling going. But, it's very easy to overshoot the mark--adding "x" more beers in the next hour will catch up quicker than your body can counteract it, and so there you are--slipping into the next stage and deciding to argue politics with the guy who has the swastika tattoo on his forehead. The best failsafe against this? The "party coach", which is the subject of a later post.